Feelings of Rejection-- A Valuable Lesson

Last night I learned a very valuable lesson. Nathan came home from work and began to get ready for the next work day, as he always does. We had planned to watch Survivor, but the garbage disposal wasn't working properly and it took about 20 minutes for him to check that, so we didn't have time to watch the show. Nathan usually has about an hour and fifteen minutes at home before he needs to go to bed. He divides up this time between getting ready for the next day and spending time with Elon and myself, and sometimes Asher if he's awake.

Well, yesterday was a particularly stressful day for Nathan, and after he found out about the disposal, he was irritated and just wanted to let his mind veg on a videogame. {He did spend some time with Elon.} As he's sitting playing the game, all I could think about was "what about me?" So I asked Nathan, "If you have thirty minutes, and you choose to use them to play a game, how does that make me feel loved?" He chose the game. So I went outside to spend time with God and talk to Him about my hurt. And do you know what God showed me? Nothing to do with Nathan and myself, but something very significant about my relationship with God.

How many times have I done the exact same thing to God and never apologized, asked forgiveness, repented??? Too many to count. Feelings of rejection are nothing new to Him, His own Son was despised and rejected by the very ones that He loved and came to save. And now, I continue to do the same thing, daily choosing to make time for the things that I enjoy, when God is wanting me to just spend time with Him. As I sat pondering ways that I can reject Nathan as payback, I realized the irony. My Great and Mighty Father allows me to come back to Him, time and time again, after one of my self-engrossed periods. He doesn't snub His nose at me, rejecting me in return for rejecting Him. Instead He opens His arms wide and listens as I pour out my heart to Him. God help me to have this same attitude with my husband, whom I know loves me, occassionally despite his actions.
What a revelation. As I began to apologize to God, I asked Him to really write this lesson on my heart so that I never forget what it means to forsake spending time with Him.

*Thanks to Allposters for the Monet

Asher's Baby Dedication...

... upon which Asher gets invited to play golf with Pastor Tommy Barnett...

Asher, may you be blessed with children, may you be acceptable to your brethren, you will dip your foot in oil. Your shoes shall be iron and brass; and as your days, so shall your strength be.

The LORD bless thee, and keep thee, Asher. The LORD make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee. The LORD lift up his countenance upon thee, and give thee peace.

-Amen

Coveting Your Prayers

If you think about it, please remember my friend Valerie in prayer. She had a baby boy last night, but he is suffering from pneumonia and is in intensive care. This is her second baby to have to spend an extended period of time in the hospital after delivery. Please pray for the baby's complete and quick healing, and for peace and encouragement for Valerie and Chris. Thanks so much.

Yesterday's Journaling...

Today is my mom's birthday... and today at 1:17 p.m. her father, my grandfather, went to be with Jesus. I knew that this day would come, and yet it seems almost unbelievable.

My grandpa was my hero. I like to think that I saw him the same way that the Lord does-- I was fortunate not to see the sinner that he once was, but the man of God he is today.

The following is a glimpse of Grandpa through my eyes:

I knew Alfred Wright as a man of compassion. I think that his difficult and sometimes abusive childhood created in him a very sensitive spirit. He cried over the orphans and gave to those in need-- like Sister Francis, who was suffering from liver failure and the missionaries over seas for whom he did walk-a-thons to raise money. At 78 years old, he determined to raise more money than anyone in his church for those missionaries-- and he did. Even while Lou Gehrig's Disease had stripped him of his ability to walk, he was out on the track-- momma and Big Terry pushing his wheelchair towards the finish line. And how many times did he call me, when money was tight, to find out whether I had enough "snacks" to eat.

In my grandpa, I saw an overcomer. He overcame the addiction of alcoholism at the age of 43 and never once picked up a bottle again-- to the glory of God.

He had a childlike faith that didn't waiver and has been healed from everything from a brain tumor to tuberculosis. I asked him once, how did he have such faith. He told me that when he prayed, he never doubted that God would heal Him-- he just set himself up in a position to receive that healing. Now once again, God has healed him of his disease and he is able to thank God face-to-face for his deliverance.

Grandpa was a hardworking man and a stubborn man; even though his body fought him-- he determined that he would work. At 77 years old, Grandpa'd get so tired he'd quit driving truck. But after a few weeks of being idle, he'd decide his strength was restored and it was time to get back to truckin'. And how many times did the patient Mr. Corney hire him back. I think I lost track after the first 5 times.

In grandpa I saw a strong man who stood up for the underdog and the oppressed-- a trait that his daughter, Tessie, says she inherited.

And he was handsome-- with his tall stature, silvery-white hair, and icy blue eyes. Even after skin-cancer had scared up his nose till he said it looked like it had been "caught up in a pencil trimmer," he was still as handsome as ever to me. And Mildred says, "Amen."

I have so many wonderful memories of my grandpa-- of hamburger happy meals on the way to Laurinburg to pick up his check, of pints of vanilla ice cream, eaten with a small wooden spoon, of ramen noodles with a pat of butter, and pans of cold sweet potato bread-- only the end pieces for me please. I enjoyed many of these meals perched atop my grandpa's knee. Grandpa used to love to tell me, "You had to eat everything from my plate, sittin' on my knee."

He was so funny, he'd call me weeks before I was to come home to plan what he'd cook me for breakfast when I got there. It was always the same: eggs-- over-easy for him, scrambled for me, grits with lots of salt and pepper and butter, turkey bacon, toast with grape jelly, of course--a cold Nugrape for me, and hot black coffee for him. Each of his phone calls to me would begin the same way, he'd say, "I bet your wheels is a spinnin' " and I'd say, "Yep grandpa, they are, I can't wait to be home." And I couldn't.

Some people may wonder at the special bond that I have with my grandpa yet it's very simple to explain-- because to me, grandpa was special. And whatever love I showed to him, he gave it back to me two-fold. Many of you know that grandpa would repeat a story a hundred times about how so-and-so did such-and-such kind thing for him. Grandpa wouldn't remember a single bad thing that person had done, but he always dwelt on the good. See grandpa was a man who loved to be loved. And regardless of his past, in his old age he left the world a legacy of love. Love carried in the hearts of his wife, Mildred who took such good care of him despite his stubbornness at times. His little sister, Aunt Lily Mae-- whom he couldn't wait to have living next door. 7 daughters, 25 grandchildren, and a host of great grandchildren. He wasn't rich by wordly standards, but the treasure he left in our hearts is something that money can't buy. And we that carry these treasures, will go on to tell stories of Alfred Wright, forgiving the past, and speaking only of the good my grandpa left behind.

You Can Dream Again...

Today I am taking my brother, Matt, to tour the Phoenix Dream Center. The Dream Center is a huge hotel converted into a Christian rehabilitation center/discipleship program for the homeless, drug-addicted, alcoholic, etc. It's a place for a new start; a place where people can begin to dream and hope for a future again. Everything is free, including lodging, food, and training. They also have community outreaches where they serve food and clothing to thousands each week. I have been wanting to visit for some time and I think he's really going to enjoy it also.

Election Day...

I'm in prayer that God would speak to the hearts of His people even while they are waiting in the polling lines. Anxiously awaiting those results!

Update On The Baby...

Well, I saw the doctor again on Wednesday and I found out why I am having the cramps/bleeding. I think the cramps were due to a cyst, and the bleeding stems from a hematoma in my uterus. I am told that these clots are quite common; that for many women the blood just absorbs into the uterus. The hematoma increases my risk of miscarriage, though, and I will be getting another ultrasound next week to see if it is getting smaller. Meanwhile, I am not supposed to do anything that may jar the clot and cause bleeding which would result in miscarriage-- not exactly easy with a toddler.

I bled with Elon, and one night felt certain I was going to lose him. I pled with God all night in that bathroom that Elon would live. Thank God He hears us even from the bathroom-- if not for that, my mom's prayers would never be answered {it's where she does most of her praying!} Of course, I bled with the last pregnancy and that ended in miscarriage but I believe that I will carry this baby to term. I saw his/her little heartbeat and I am not giving up!

For Saretta...

The Weaver

My life is but a weaving

Between my Lord and me,

I cannot choose the colors

He worketh steadily

Oft times He weaveth sorrow

And I, in foolish pride,

Forget He sees the upper,

And I the under side.

Not til the loom is silent

And the shuttles cease to fly,

Shall God unroll the canvas

And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful

In the Weaver's skillful hand,

As the threads of gold and silver

In the pattern He has planned.

-Benjamin Malacia Franklin

Loving This Song...

Thank you Father, that You Never Let Go...

A Little or A Lot...

Ok, I am definitely not a financial guru. But if I was asked to give one piece of advice to engaged or newly wed couples it would be this: Learn to live off of one income.
I wish so badly that I would have followed this advice since the beginning of my marriage. If I would have, being unemployed would definitely not be the serious issue that it is right now. For one thing, all of the years that we were a two-income family would have meant a nice savings account. Secondly, since we were living as if we only had one income, we wouldn't have bills that required both of us to work-- namely our big rent payment. What a lot of heartache we would have been saved!

Unfortunately, this is a lesson learned the hard way. I've never wanted a house that we could afford solely by using Nathan's income. I wanted the house in my preferred neighborhood. Our next house will be something that we can afford off of Nathan's salary, our cars--the same, everything, including cell phones, internet, whatever-- will only be paid for with his salary. Hmmm... I'm seeing a small apartment with dial-up internet in our near future ;p

Better is a little with the fear of the LORD than great treasure and
turmoil with it.
Better is a dish of vegetables where love is than a fattened ox served with hatred.
Proverbs 15:16-17

Actually, I am praying that the Lord would have mercy on us. Forgive our foolishness and allow us to stay put. I'm tired of moving!

Women's Ministry

Today Marie and I will be attending our church's women's ministry meeting. I am so excited. It's nice to be around only women, to talk about the things that women think about, and address the issues that we face. I don't know anyone here outside of my family and boss, so I am hoping to meet some people through these meetings. Plus, they have childcare so Elon will get to have fun with the other kids while I'm having my fun. Thank you Lord for giving me Tuesdays off so that I can attend!

The Betty Baxter Story

This is a repost just in case some of you didn't see/get to listen to it the first time--

Have you ever heard this story? It is AMAZING. I heard it in college and I'll never forget it. It starts off kind of slow but hear her out, after about 10 minutes it begins to get really GOOD. Grandma Ginny, that means you too!

Part 1: Make sure you have Windows Media Player {if it doesn't work, or you don't have Windows Media Player let me know}
http://www.neoparadigm.org/audio/teaching/Baxter1.mp3

Part 2:http://www.neoparadigm.org/audio/teaching/Baxter2.mp3

Just in case the above doesn't work, just look under the title Betty Baxter here: http://www.neoparadigm.org/audio.htm

The Newspaper Reports from Betty's hometown: http://www.geocities.com/bettybaxterstory/index2.html

I'd LOVE to hear your thoughts about this, for better or for worse :}

Had Your Cup of Coffey Today?

Part of me wanted to go to Sunday After Dark tonight, but the other part didn't. This guy, Coffey, was going to be there-- giving his testimony and performing. He was one of the final three contestants on the show Nashville Star. He didn't win, but he got an even better offer from some ?record company? Anyway, he is a member of our church's Dream Center in L.A. I really liked what I saw of him, so I wanted to attend church tonight, but it is so hard to go to church in the a.m., then eat dinner, clean up, pack lunches and toys for work tomorrow, get ready, and go back to church again at 7. The hardest part being that I know in the back of my mind I have to get up at 5:30am for work the next day, work ten hours, come home and cook, clean the kitchen, bathe Elon, and put him to bed. Just the knowledge that this will be my day tomorrow tends to exhaust me. Never-the-less I am so blessed to have a job! I am not struggling financially like so many other Americans right now and I give God the glory for that.

I usually do attend church on Sunday nights, I think I've only missed two or three services since moving here. I am curious, do any of you find it difficult to get motivated to go on Sunday nights? What do you do to make it easier and do you still go?

The Betty Baxter Story

Have you ever heard this story? It is AMAZING. I heard it in college and I'll never forget it. It starts off kind of slow but hear her out, after about 10 minutes it begins to get really GOOD. Grandma Ginny, that means you too!

Part 1: Make sure you have Windows Media Player {if it doesn't work, or you don't have Windows Media Player let me know}
http://www.neoparadigm.org/audio/teaching/Baxter1.mp3

Part 2:
http://www.neoparadigm.org/audio/teaching/Baxter2.mp3

Just in case the above doesn't work, just look under the title Betty Baxter here:
http://www.neoparadigm.org/audio.htm

The Newspaper Reports from Betty's hometown:
http://www.geocities.com/bettybaxterstory/index2.html

I'd LOVE to hear your thoughts about this, for better or for worse :}

Miraculous Healing

Last night I stayed up watching miracles on You Tube. I watch Kathryn Kuhlman, AA Allen and some other evangelists in Zimbabwe. It is amazing to see the miraculous things God does amongst the Africans. I just wish we saw more of it here. I make no claim as to understanding healing, I believe in it because the Bible says so and because I have witnessed it. Right now, I know several people who need a miraculous healing. God give us the faith to believe, and help our unbelief {Mark 9:24}!

And He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the gospel toevery creature. He who believes and is baptized will be saved; but he who does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will follow those who believe: in My name they will cast out demons; they will speak with new tongues; they will take up serpents; and if they drink anything deadly, it will by no means hurt them; they will lay hands on the sick, and they will recover." (Mark 16:15)

"Then He called His twelve disciples together and gave them power and authority over all demons, and to cure diseases." (Luke 9:1)

"And He called the twelve to Him, and began to send them out two by two, and gave them power over unclean spirits ... And they cast out many demons, and anointed with oil many who were sick, and healed them." (Mark 6:7,13)

"And when He had called His twelve disciples to Him, He gave thempower over unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal all kinds of sickness and all kinds of disease." (Matthew 10:1)

"But go rather to the lost sheep of the house of Israel. And as you go, preach saying, 'The kingdom of heaven is at hand.' "Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out demons. Freely you have received, freely give." (Matthew 10:6)

"Now God worked unusual miracles by the hands of Paul, so that even handkerchiefs or aprons were brought from his body to the sick, and the diseases left them and the evil spirits went out of them." (Acts 19:11)

"And it happened that the father of Publius lay sick of a fever and dysentery. Paul went in to him and prayed, and he laid hands on him and healed him." (Acts 28:8)

"And the multitudes with one accord heeded the things spoken by Philip, hearing and seeing the miracles which he did. For unclean spirits, crying with a loud voice, came out of many who were possessed; and many who were paralyzed and lame were healed." (Acts 8:6)

"Therefore they stayed there a long time, speaking boldly in the Lord, who was bearing witness to the word of His grace, granting signs and wonders to be done by their hands." (Acts 14:3)

"And I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever youbind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven." (Matthew 16:19)

"Now there are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are differences of ministries, but the same Lord. And there are diversities of activities, but it is the same God who works all in all. But the manifestation of the Spirit is given to each one for the profit of all:For to one is given the word of wisdom through the Spirit, to another the word of knowledge through the same Spirit, to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healings by the same Spirit, to another the working of miracles, to another prophecy, to another discerning of spirits, to another different kinds of tongues, to another the interpretation of tongues. But one and the same Spirit works all these things, distributing to each one individually as He wills." (1 Corinthians 12:4)

Unexpected Loss

If you think about it, please pray for some missionary friends, Brooke and Scott, who unexpectedly lost their 10 hour old baby due to a bacterial infection yesterday. They are devastated, and are also specifically requesting prayers for direction on where to go from here.




The incident reminded me that not to long ago, I was facing the same question, "Would my baby live or die?" I am so thankful that God allowed Elon to live. I look at this sweet couple and question why their baby died and mine lived. I'm sure we both begged God not to take our babies; I'm sure they prayed with all the fervency a mother and father can feel, just as we did. Of course, I don't know the answer-- trying to figure life out is so confusing at times; I am so glad that I don't have to. I have a Father who is wise and just, who is loving and fair. I can trust in these characteristics of God and know that I need not feel disheartened or forsaken. We see through a glass dimly, thankfully, He knows in full. One day we will see Him face to face, along with all of our precious babies who have gone before us.

Eternity In Our Eyes

I've always had a great fear of death. I had a dream that I was dying and darkness enveloped me. There was nothing, no heaven, nothing but emptyness and lonliness and black. It scared me. Of course, as a mother, I fear for Elon all the time. And for Nathan and my family, and so on. When I hear of someone dying or getting very sick, the grief strangles me. I feel overwhelmed and extremely afraid. Unfortunately, fears are something that my whole family has had severe issues with, so it's easy for me to allow them to rule my life. Lately, I've been praying that God would put eternity in my heart. I realize that when I focus on eternity, all the cares of life and even death, lose some of their potency. This article helped remind me to continue to pray that God will keep my mind on Him.


Excerpts from No Greater Joy Volume 2 Seeing Through A Glass Darkly:

“When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”

Death is not the worst enemy. When I was a young mother, this truth was simply beyond comprehension. To lose a child was my worst fear. My natural instinct to protect my children, regardless of the cost, was in full operation. Yet how frail my efforts would have been if death had come calling.

When you are young and raising a family, death seems to be the ultimate loss. The grief is a pain you can only know first hand. When we are young, we see through a glass darkly. As we grow older, life is not as big as we thought it was when it was all before us. Life in this flesh is quite temporary. I am not so old yet. Life is still precious. Death is still the enemy. I continue to cling to life, not only my own, but to that of those I love. Yet, my clinging has changed. Somewhere over the passing years I realized death was not the worst enemy. Grief over death stopped being the worst grief. I can now see just a tiny bit clearer through the dark glass...

I remember when I carried my first child in my womb; I had waited for 3 years, and when I finally got pregnant I was the happiest person I had ever known. One day, as I practiced childbirth relaxation, God spoke to me. I believe He told me to give the child I was carrying to Him. I began to cry and beg God not to take the baby, all afternoon I wrestled with my own feelings and what I believed God wanted of me. Finally, in great grief I surrendered the child to God. As the days passed, I was totally thrilled and amazed that nothing happened. When the baby was born strong and healthy, I knew God had something bigger than what I had feared. Still, I saw through a glass darkly. Life and death were the only two “biggies” in my life.


Oh, mother, if we as young mothers could just get a vision of something greater than instinct for our children, and begin to feel just as urgently for their souls, how different it would make us. Things that appear as tragedies are not so tragic. If as young mothers we could have eternity in our eyes....
When you are a young mother raising a family, it is so easy to care about your own feelings, your own hurts, your little fuss with your husband. Oh, but Mother, there is coming a day when your own feelings, hurts, and fusses will seem so immaterial, so silly...

We go through life so protective of our children’s bodies. Let us as mothers early look to the protection of their souls. The enemy is not death. The enemy is not outside, lurking to get in; the enemy is a mother’s heart dedicated to a mother’s feelings. It is our own selfishness, our own anger, our own bitterness, and our own disappointments. The enemy is Mother, doing what is right in her own eyes instead of obeying God.

God, grant us the wisdom to get beyond instinct to the wisdom of true love. God, grant us hearts to see, to feel, and to live with eternity in our eyes.

Tino's Update

Thank you to those who prayed for Tino. He is not suffering any longer but is loving and being loved by his Father right now. To read Anna's update on Tino, click here.

Praying For The Chapman Family

Please pray for the Chapman Family who lost their daughter, Maria, yesterday. After watching the interview on the song Cinderella, I am amazed at the goodness of God. I think God was giving Steven Curtis Chapman the realization to savor the moments with his daughter because He of what was going to happen. This family has helped so many others {including my sister} through their organization "Shaohannah's Hope." Now we have an opportunity to pray for them.

Proverbs 31:23

Last night I was talking with a friend on the phone about some spiritual struggles that I had recently been facing. Out of the blue she said, "What, does Nathan not believe in God now?" It threw me so off guard! I asked her "Why would you say that?" It just didn't make sense to me. When I hung up the phone, I remembered the verse:

Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat
among the elders of the land. -Proverbs 31:23

All of the verses in Proverbs 31:10-31 are discussing the characteristics of a noble wife and the consequences of such a woman's actions. I've often thought of the verse above as out of place. Now I realize that the reason that the verse is included because the husband's reputation is partly due to his wife's actions. If she slanders, gripes, or even berates him, then he is not going to be well respected in the community {and neither will she, for that matter!} But if the noble wife exhorts her husband, speaks well of him, and shows respect to him, then others will respect him as well.

It occurred to me that the reason for my friend's seemingly unaccounted for remark was due to my actions. She is my best friend, and I have often called her to vent my frustrations about marriage, a.k.a. to complain about Nathan :( Although I don't think it was wrong of me to discuss problems with my friend, I realize that I need to be careful in the things that I say. When I call her, my emotions are usually high, and so I tend to be a bit dramatic and one-sided about the issues! I realize now that I have given her an unfair and false impression of Nathan. I really regret not being more careful with my tongue and can only hope that as I continue to speak of my high regard for my husband, I can fix this situation.

Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. James 4:11